We all get lonely at times and this is quite understandable. There are many reasons why people get lonely and one would think that loneliness might be a foreign concept to the independent and often socially disinclined INTJ female. This is a common misconception that tends to be applied to many introverts because of our nature to hole ourselves up in a cave of books or wander off into the woods while we explore the world of our minds (forgetting the one we actually live in and only letting our senses aid our internal discoveries). It can be quite infuriating to be broken out of our revere only to be pulled into some small talk about the weather or a sports game. However, we still get lonely. Intensely lonely and we do not always comprehend how to deal with this.
Our loneliness stems from a different place than an extrovert’s loneliness does. An extrovert may become lonely from lack of social interaction or being around people. I (an introvert) get lonely when I feel a lack of connection or deep conversation. Small talk bores me to tears and I do not understand it or care for your answers. I can be surrounded by people and yet feel utterly alone. Often times when I feel alone I need to spend some time with my thoughts or perhaps with one of the rare people that actually prefer to have deeper conversations. These people are rare and I do not know many of them. I have been fortunate to have a family that talks deeply and openly but as I left home I realized that my family is not a good sample of what the world is actually like. There are three NTJs in my family (me being one of them). But that is a topic for another day.
I have very few friends and this is because I would feel more lonely by connecting with many people on a surface level then connecting with a few deeply and really investing in their lives. When I meet someone I appreciate I want to know them deeply. I want to see how much we relate. I am searching for a connection. I believe that everyone searches for people like them, the problem with that is there are not many people like me. I do not understand or relate to most women. I have not found another INTJ female, which makes sense statistically, so I tend to gravitate towards ENFPs. This is good for the most part but ENFPs tend to be a little all over the place. The people I have connected to on the deepest level with are NTJs. I seem to have acquired quite a few of them. (I am planning on writing about that in detail in the future so I will not dive into that). They are the most similar to me and the most likely to cut the bullshit and be just as fed up with social norms and small talk as I am.
So, as an INTJ female I do not fit in well but nor do I try to. I tend to feel more lonely and drained when I try to be social or go to a (god forbid) party than when I take a hike or some alone time. I constantly crave depth and connection.
Recently, I was made aware of the lack of depth in my conversations as of late and the toll that was taking on me. I started talking to an ENTJ who I really connected with. We had deep discussions and we talked quite a bit. After I had met up with him in person, I realized that that was what had been missing from my life lately. I needed to have a deep conversation and to connect with someone. I realized that we were very similar even though he was an extrovert. We look at the world through a prism of logic that showers everything in the same colors. This made me reexamine the last couple of months.
I realized how lonely I had been feeling because of the contrast I felt while talking to him. When I stopped talking to him it took me a week and a half to sort through the feelings I did not even realize that I had been feeling for the last three months. I had put them in a box on a shelf in my mind and when I was running around and grabbing Ideas to show to him and discuss I must have knocked the box on the floor and was unable to put them back. It was painful but through it, I made some important realizations about my own feelings, how, and why I was feeling lonely.
I would love to hear what you would like me to write about. What makes you feel lonely? Did you relate to any of the stuff I mentioned? Please feel free to email me any questions, stories, themes, or ideas, as I will be grateful for your contributions. Feedback is always appreciated.
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-Evi. L. Holmes