The Beauty of Being Broken

We all go through times of pain and heartbreak. They may scary by degree but they happen to us all. The question we all must ask ourselves is: How do we respond when tragedy strikes and we are left with the rug ripped out from underneath us? This is difficult to assess realistically when we have not yet experienced loss or pain to an extreme degree. 

I recently lost someone whom I loved very deeply and this has changed my perspective on a lot of things. The biggest changes that I see in myself are the fact that I want to do something with the time that I have and not take a moment for granted and how I have gone back to the thing I am most passionate about writing. We are not just a speck on a rock hurtling through space. We are something more than that. We can make someone’s day or change someone’s world without even knowing it and although I do not care about most people, I realize that there are many more people whom I could extend my love to if only I gave myself the license and the platform to share my ideas and myself with others. 

Truth be told I find it quite difficult to write these blog posts because I have so many other things happening in my “real life.” I also find it difficult to write because my brain is so full of thoughts that I have no idea where to start. This often keeps me from writing when I really should. So I will try to write whatever is my most pressing thought and table other topics for other times. Writing is a place where I can be as rational or as creative as I want and the loss that I feel will only fuel the flame of my passion, even though it hurts like hell.

The Crossroad

When we are hit by loss, tragedy, or any kind of struggle, we are presented with a choice. Do we give up or do we push harder? These are always the two options, they always exist, in every moment. However, sometimes they are pushed to the front of our minds. I am a very stubborn person. I know what I want and I know how to get it but there have been times when I have had to give up on things. Neither is always the right choice or always the wrong choice. It is situational. 

I had a friend once who became toxic in my life. He would not leave me alone and he kept dragging me down into a depression. I cut him out for a couple of months and then I came back to him. I thought that somehow, after all the crap that he had put me through, he still had the answers and wanted to help me. It was fine for a week and then we fell right back into the same patterns. It was a toxic relationship. Finally, I quit. I chose to move on and forsake whatever he had to offer. In this situation, quitting was the right choice. 

In the situation I am currently in, with the loss, I could choose to give up, to say life was meaningless without this person whom I loved. The other option is to live my life to the fullest, make my mark on the world, and live my life to honor their memory and their vision. I choose the latter. 

Each situation is different and each decision is a defining moment that can alter the course of one’s life. You have a choice to walk down one path or the other and there is always a better choice you just need to find it.

The Ripple Affect

When tragedy strikes, it has a ripple effect. Something happens to one’s person and that affects everyone they know to varying degrees and then it affects the next layer and then the next. We do not realize how interconnected our lives are with others. You may not think that you have an effect on other people’s lives but, trust me, you do. 

Think of how many people have influenced your life. Think of all the people who you talk to in a month. Think of all the people who know who you are, even superficially. You affect each and every one of them in some way. Your grief becomes their grief. Your loss becomes their loss.

An INTJ Female in the State of Grief

I am fortunate that this is the first person close to me who has left me in my life. I do not have a lot of experience with grief, however, I can talk about the last two weeks and how I have responded to the current grief I feel. 

When I first found out, I felt my world come crashing down. I did not want to be in a world where this person did not exist. I was angry, and I went through all five stages of grief in the first five minutes. I was told that I would most likely go through them again, however, I have yet to do so. Most people would look at me and think that nothing was wrong. I always look a little upset, so it is nothing out of the ordinary. At work, only those I have told know that I am in pain at all. The first day back I am sure I acted strangely, but that was over within three days. I work, I drive myself harder than before (which I was quite driven before). My brain overflows with the outcry of my heart, but nobody knows. 

When I do tell people they say, “I am so sorry,” “I am sorry for your loss,” and “that is awful,” and I have no idea how to respond. People want to hug me, and I hate hugs. I have given more hugs in the last two weeks than all of 2019 leading up to them, some felt obligatory and some felt like home. I have never been one for sympathy, sympathy won’t bring this person back. This is part of why I play it down but I also have put those feelings on a shelf and I take them out piece by piece, digesting as I can, in the privacy of my car while listening to one of their favorite songs or once I see my family and we can cry together. 

The most important thing is to let oneself grieve. Crying is okay. I do not like crying in front of people but crying is a release. Whenever I tell someone what happened, I cannot help but cry because they help me by taking a piece of my burden and it is a release. When you drop a stone in a lake, the inside is hurt the most and the epicenter of the disaster. Then the water ripples out, the next people take a weaker version of the pain and eventually, the water stills from the inside out until everyone is able to move forward, but no one will forget the rock that started the waves. 

Scatter the Ashes and be a Phoenix

Yes, you must grieve but you also need to rise and move forward. Scar tissue is stronger than regular skin, it may hurt now but in the end, it will make you stronger and build your character (it also builds your backstory). The most important takeaway is to grow from whatever you are experiencing and let it mold you in the best way imaginable. Find out what you are passionate about and just do it. You only have one life to live and you never know how much time you will be given. Take every opportunity and make it the best one. 

Here is a short thought that I wrote a couple of days ago:

The beauty of being Broken

Is in putting yourself back 

Piece by piece

There will always be 

Cracks and fissures

But you have the chance

To build yourself up

With steel

Instead of porcelain

What are some tough choices that you have had to make? Do you think you made the right one? Are you a Phoenix? Did you quit a situation that was not in your best interest?

Please feel free to email me any questions, stories, themes, or ideas I am grateful for all your contributions.

My email is evilholmess@gmail.com

My Instagram is @evi.l.holmes 

-Evi. L. Holmes

Loneliness

We all get lonely at times and this is quite understandable. There are many reasons why people get lonely and one would think that loneliness might be a foreign concept to the independent and often socially disinclined INTJ female. This is a common misconception that tends to be applied to many introverts because of our nature to hole ourselves up in a cave of books or wander off into the woods while we explore the world of our minds (forgetting the one we actually live in and only letting our senses aid our internal discoveries). It can be quite infuriating to be broken out of our revere only to be pulled into some small talk about the weather or a sports game. However, we still get lonely. Intensely lonely and we do not always comprehend how to deal with this.

Our loneliness stems from a different place than an extrovert’s loneliness does. An extrovert may become lonely from lack of social interaction or being around people. I (an introvert) get lonely when I feel a lack of connection or deep conversation. Small talk bores me to tears and I do not understand it or care for your answers. I can be surrounded by people and yet feel utterly alone. Often times when I feel alone I need to spend some time with my thoughts or perhaps with one of the rare people that actually prefer to have deeper conversations. These people are rare and I do not know many of them. I have been fortunate to have a family that talks deeply and openly but as I left home I realized that my family is not a good sample of what the world is actually like. There are three NTJs in my family (me being one of them). But that is a topic for another day.

I have very few friends and this is because I would feel more lonely by connecting with many people on a surface level then connecting with a few deeply and really investing in their lives. When I meet someone I appreciate I want to know them deeply. I want to see how much we relate. I am searching for a connection. I believe that everyone searches for people like them, the problem with that is there are not many people like me. I do not understand or relate to most women. I have not found another INTJ female, which makes sense statistically, so I tend to gravitate towards ENFPs. This is good for the most part but ENFPs tend to be a little all over the place. The people I have connected to on the deepest level with are NTJs. I seem to have acquired quite a few of them. (I am planning on writing about that in detail in the future so I will not dive into that). They are the most similar to me and the most likely to cut the bullshit and be just as fed up with social norms and small talk as I am.

So, as an INTJ female I do not fit in well but nor do I try to. I tend to feel more lonely and drained when I try to be social or go to a (god forbid) party than when I take a hike or some alone time. I constantly crave depth and connection.

Recently, I was made aware of the lack of depth in my conversations as of late and the toll that was taking on me. I started talking to an ENTJ who I really connected with. We had deep discussions and we talked quite a bit. After I had met up with him in person, I realized that that was what had been missing from my life lately. I needed to have a deep conversation and to connect with someone. I realized that we were very similar even though he was an extrovert. We look at the world through a prism of logic that showers everything in the same colors. This made me reexamine the last couple of months.  

I realized how lonely I had been feeling because of the contrast I felt while talking to him. When I stopped talking to him it took me a week and a half to sort through the feelings I did not even realize that I had been feeling for the last three months. I had put them in a box on a shelf in my mind and when I was running around and grabbing Ideas to show to him and discuss I must have knocked the box on the floor and was unable to put them back. It was painful but through it, I made some important realizations about my own feelings, how, and why I was feeling lonely.

I would love to hear what you would like me to write about. What makes you feel lonely? Did you relate to any of the stuff I mentioned? Please feel free to email me any questions, stories, themes, or ideas, as I will be grateful for your contributions. Feedback is always appreciated.

my email is evilholmess@gmail.com

my blog Instagram is @evi.l.holmes

-Evi. L. Holmes

Welcome to a Glorious Adventure!

“The purpose of a storyteller is not to tell you how to think, but to give you questions to think upon.”  – Brandon Sanderson

Hello Loves!

I am quite thrilled to start my first blog and to hopefully connect with or at least help some people.

Who I am?

I am a female INTJ who sees the world quite differently than most. I do not feel connected to people and for the most part. I am happy that I do not have a ton of friends because I do not have to engage in shallow discussions and relationships. However, recently I have come across someone who has engaged with me on a deep level and even has gotten me to have long discussions with them. This got me thinking that perhaps I could find others to share my story and insights with, as well as learn from their lives too. I am a rare soul who feels deeply and has trouble processing those feelings through my logical rationality and I am always looking for the best outlet to release my thoughts and feelings.

What is this all about?

This blog will cover a variety of topics. I have begun writing down ideas for possible posts. However, primarily this will be a blog about those topics from the point of view of an INTJ female. I believe that it is important to have that as a lense for the various topics I will discuss. It is also important that you, as the reader, are aware of this so you know where I am coming from and can be informed as you begin this journey with you. I hope that I can open up a discussion with you and I would love it if you would send me an email. My email is evilholmess@gmail.com or follow me on Instagram @evi.l.holmes. Also, this is an easy way to access my blog and email because they are both connected to my Instagram. I am excited to be able to hear from you and hopefully write about topics that you are interested in.

Why a blog?

As I previously mentioned, this is not the only way that I am looking to connect with people. However, it is a good forum to generate interest and get a conversation going. I love writing and find that it is often one of the best ways for me to express myself and my thoughts. The blog is my own place to publish and I can segment my thoughts into posts. There are also comment features which I believe will prove to be beneficial.

Why the pseudonym?

A friend and I came up with the name because I very much appreciate sherlock holmes and we joke about me being evil, or at least I do. So I made a female name that went along with both those things. The reason for anonymity is so that I can stay private even though I may show people my thoughts. I also want people to enjoy my writing based on its merit and entertainment value and not who I am as a person.

Why Meyers Briggs? Specifically, why INTJ females?

This is a large part of who I am and it colors what I think and how I interact with people and the world. I have found it extremely beneficial to have media and people directed towards INTJ females specifically because it can be lonely being so different from other women and everyone else as well. Statistically, INTJ females are the rarest types so it is highly unlikely that I would meet another one or more in real life. That is why pages like this are so important. We all search for connection and understanding and I rarely feel that. So, if I can be that for someone else and connect with them in the process then that will be a wonderful thing. (We can also build a network of amazing women to take over the world but that is an aside. Back to the regularly scheduled program)

Along with the INTJ ideas I have for writing, I will hopefully also be writing poetry and short stories. I have an idea for a series of short stories that are connected but that is still very much in a developmental stage. But I am Very excited about that and I hope it works out.

I would always love to hear what you want to hear about. Please feel free to email me any questions, stories, themes, or ideas I will be grateful for your contributions. Feedback is always appreciated, especially as I am navigating this new territory.

Again,

my email is evilholmess@gmail.com

my blog Instagram is @evi.l.holmes

-Evi. L. Holmes